I don't really have any friends, I genuinely don't. I feel like I just know many people. I'm friends with some people through other people or through school but I feel like everyone is growing apart and becoming their own persons and the only reason people attempt to continue a friendship with me is because they do not have a good enough reason to leave me. They don't even need a reason. People leave all the time, just like that. I just don't understand why anyone would be friends with me at the moment, I'm super indecisive and always on edge. At this age, everyone I know just wants to go out and I'm not going to lie, I have gone out quite a lot in the last few months but it has only made me realise how much I hate it. I hate being surrounded by so many people, it gives me really bad anxiety. I struggle to breath and feel nervous and very out of place. It only gets better with alcohol but I don't want to live a life where I only feel comfortable when I'm intoxicated. The last time I went out was for a friend's birthday back in Oxford. I looked around and everyone was so happy and drunk and I just couldn't take it. It made me so angry yet I wanted to cry. I raced downstairs to get the smoking area and sat on a bench, alone to get some air and went back upstairs about 15 minutes later. The people I were with did not even realise I had left. That was not a bad thing but a mere observation. I feel like as I'm getting older, more and more people just don't really care about me anymore and forget me very easily. Maybe its because I'm getting boring and dull or perhaps it's because I don't put much effort in people anymore. I don't know, I've given up with all hope for my life, I don't see it getting any better.  Everything is just shit, no one is here. When I get close to someone, both just as a friend or more I really put myself out there, I truly care about them and in the end they just aren't into it as much as I am. I've just gathered that at the end of the day, no one really cares about me, there is always someone prettier or more interesting or cooler to be around and because I'm not a confrontational nor angry person I just let things happen and keep my feelings to myself. I feel like social media has taken a massive effect on me but I only have myself to blame. I always come across a snapchat story that I really did not want to see and it completely ruins my day. Social media is fucking crazy man, it's addictive, it's poisonous. You see something you don't like and instead of turning your phone off, you go on that person's Instagram, Twitter etc; and then you see more shit that you didn't want to see but go on anyway and then feel even worse. It's a vicious cycle. You start comparing yourself, it's awful. Everyone seems so fake, everyone wants to be 'cool' whether its being a massive slut and calling yourself 'sexually liberated', being obsessed with make-up and showing all your followers your new naked pallet or mac lipstick you purchased or portraying yourself as that very awkward indie tumblr kid with the mom jeans and the sad captions to their shitty sunsets pictures or of their cactuses telling you how tired and 'broken' they are. Like give me a fucking break, everything is just the same and its so sad and disappointing. When is it going to be cool to be yourself and happy again? People lose themselves in the process of attempting to please others which is really sad because nobody cares. At some point in life, getting attention on social media was very important to me and when I got the attention and I felt like people paid attention to me and I guess actually liked me. I felt valued and important and I guess to some extent 'cool' but it is only though taking a step back that I've realise that there is nobody actually here for me and nobody cares. They don't like you, they like the picture you posted. They enjoyed your tweet, not your company.