If we continue to rely on public authorities and charities to stop poverty, it will never happen. If the Western World really wanted to solve poverty, they would have done it by now. The West just use Third World countries for their materials and resources to develop their economies. They illustrate African, Asian and Latin American Countries as these poor, defenceless states that rely on us, the good guys for food and money because that would of course not make us feel or look bad. The truth is, the West is terrified. That is why they ensure to keep these Countries poor. They are scared that if Third World Countries were able to provide for themselves, they would no longer need the West and this would result in the them losing their money and Global dominance but that is not true. Why can't people just genuinely help others without thinking the worse or how it is going to affect them? If Third World Countries could sustain themselves, they would firstly help their citizens which we are miserably failing to do, rebuild their economies and begin to trade with other Countries on their own terms. Why is it so hard for people to believe that we could actually live in harmony without any conflict? It does not have to be such an absurd and unreachable concept.

Without sounding stupid or naive, I just want peace and fairness in the world. I want the future generation to consider poverty as history. How can we call ourselves decent human beings when we are letting people starve to death on the same planet as us? Just think about, say it out loud to yourself, there are people dying because they have no food or no clean water. It almost sounds like joke because it is so basic to us.

I express my views with many people and they either do not take me seriously or find me unrealistic. The very few who seem to comprehend me only do for a few seconds and then make the issue about them. They argue about the inevitability of the poor and rich and how they would really like to help the poor but who's helping them. That is what angers me the most about this world, the immense greed and selfishness. Instead of appreciating and developing the world together, we complain and better ourselves. Our ancestors developed and fought for our rights, there a hundreds of pivotal events throughout history that underpin the modern world; whether it were the fights against Racism, Gender equality or Democracy just to name a few. We take all these things for granted but at that material time, people like us did not have or had very little freedom. I think the next thing this world needs to come together and fight against is poverty. Just because it does not effect you directly, does not mean it does not exist. Some people donate money monthly or annually to charities, whilst others send out big cheques. Some people even pay a little trip to Kenya or India, take a few pictures, feed a few children and go back to their sad, mediocre lives. All those things are great but who are we really fooling? Are we really helping them or just making sure it does not get worse? I'm the type of person who cannot do something in small doses and feel satisfied. I would rather achieve my whole objective in one go and feel content after completing it. That is why I no longer want to endure this draining process of gradually helping the poor but want to just stop it once and for all. People may think I'm over aspiring and believe the unbelievable but humanity to me is the compassion and power between us humans. I feel as human beings we owe each other a duty to ensure we have the essentials to move up in life. We should not be killing and hating each other but empowering one another.

I don't really have any friends, I genuinely don't. I feel like I just know many people. I'm friends with some people through other people or through school but I feel like everyone is growing apart and becoming their own persons and the only reason people attempt to continue a friendship with me is because they do not have a good enough reason to leave me. They don't even need a reason. People leave all the time, just like that. I just don't understand why anyone would be friends with me at the moment, I'm super indecisive and always on edge. At this age, everyone I know just wants to go out and I'm not going to lie, I have gone out quite a lot in the last few months but it has only made me realise how much I hate it. I hate being surrounded by so many people, it gives me really bad anxiety. I struggle to breath and feel nervous and very out of place. It only gets better with alcohol but I don't want to live a life where I only feel comfortable when I'm intoxicated. The last time I went out was for a friend's birthday back in Oxford. I looked around and everyone was so happy and drunk and I just couldn't take it. It made me so angry yet I wanted to cry. I raced downstairs to get the smoking area and sat on a bench, alone to get some air and went back upstairs about 15 minutes later. The people I were with did not even realise I had left. That was not a bad thing but a mere observation. I feel like as I'm getting older, more and more people just don't really care about me anymore and forget me very easily. Maybe its because I'm getting boring and dull or perhaps it's because I don't put much effort in people anymore. I don't know, I've given up with all hope for my life, I don't see it getting any better.  Everything is just shit, no one is here. When I get close to someone, both just as a friend or more I really put myself out there, I truly care about them and in the end they just aren't into it as much as I am. I've just gathered that at the end of the day, no one really cares about me, there is always someone prettier or more interesting or cooler to be around and because I'm not a confrontational nor angry person I just let things happen and keep my feelings to myself. I feel like social media has taken a massive effect on me but I only have myself to blame. I always come across a snapchat story that I really did not want to see and it completely ruins my day. Social media is fucking crazy man, it's addictive, it's poisonous. You see something you don't like and instead of turning your phone off, you go on that person's Instagram, Twitter etc; and then you see more shit that you didn't want to see but go on anyway and then feel even worse. It's a vicious cycle. You start comparing yourself, it's awful. Everyone seems so fake, everyone wants to be 'cool' whether its being a massive slut and calling yourself 'sexually liberated', being obsessed with make-up and showing all your followers your new naked pallet or mac lipstick you purchased or portraying yourself as that very awkward indie tumblr kid with the mom jeans and the sad captions to their shitty sunsets pictures or of their cactuses telling you how tired and 'broken' they are. Like give me a fucking break, everything is just the same and its so sad and disappointing. When is it going to be cool to be yourself and happy again? People lose themselves in the process of attempting to please others which is really sad because nobody cares. At some point in life, getting attention on social media was very important to me and when I got the attention and I felt like people paid attention to me and I guess actually liked me. I felt valued and important and I guess to some extent 'cool' but it is only though taking a step back that I've realise that there is nobody actually here for me and nobody cares. They don't like you, they like the picture you posted. They enjoyed your tweet, not your company. 

And maybe in an another world,
 goldfishes would live longer and the coffee would be stronger,
And the people could just be nice
Nobody would die for no reason,
Summer would be an endless season,
And perhaps you would look at me the same.

I love being in big cities, surrounded by beeping horns and rushing business men with their phones in one hand and their coffee in the other. Everything just moves so fast, every is so consistent yet so inconsistent. I guess that is what I love about cities, how everything flows, there is never a pause. For those instances, I allow myself to not think about me or my stupid life and just absorb all that is around me. When you're in city, you suddenly feel so small and irrelevant and I personally am just mesmerised by all the different people going to different places. I could watch people all day you know.

During this summer, when I had absolutely nothing to do (which was most of time if I did not have work), I would take my copy of The Catcher in the Rye with a tropical flavoured capri-sun and go to different parks and just make a day of it. I would find a good spot, or bench and plunge into 1950's New York. I would occasionally see this old man in the morning walking his dog with a copy of a newspaper he just bought under his arm, he would smile at me, perhaps say good morning. I would then take a good look at his face, his clothes, just his body language. I wondered what he would do when he got home, if he had any hobbies, what was his dog was called, whether he liked jazz music, what he was going to make for lunch. It's all really interesting stuff. I would then come across the mother who takes her extremely hyper active children who she cannot control to the park. Seeing children makes me feel both tremendously happy yet indescribably upset. Kids are so innocent, so naive, so unprotected and mostly unprepared for life. I kinda wanna cry when I see kids man, like I'm so jealous. I wish I was young and careless about everything. All wrapped up in a foggy bubble. Children are so easy going, they trust everything and worry about nothing and just have fun I guess. Although, the thought of them not being able to be like that forever makes me sad. The idea that they're going to be sunk into a tornado of agony and misery in a few years makes me scared for them. But then again, nobody prepared me and I'm surprisingly still alive.

So it's currently 01:20 and I don't know why but I find it rather amusing that I have to be up by 8 in order to get the 9:28 train to London Victoria and then a coach from there to Oxford. Following on from this hour and a half coach journey, go straight to work for a 5 hour shift. I don't really understand why I'm still up, I'm nor tired yet very awake. This happens to me a lot, to not have a lot of sleep. To be honest, it frequently occurs when I have to be up early the next day and have a busy day ahead. It's almost as if my mind enjoys keeping me up, it is like my mind despises my body and wants to punishes it. Unlike other people though, I don't have the view that it is necessary that I need to have several hours of sleep, some people psychically cannot get up if they do not have their standard eight hour sleep, it's crazy. Four or Five hours is sufficient for me, my mum gets worried all the time, she says it's not good for me but neither are most of the things in life yet she still gave birth to me. I almost find it funny how tired I'm going to be the next day. It makes me kinda sad if I'm honest with you. It's one of those awkward laugh/cry situations. I could have easily made a smarter decision but I guess I just enjoy putting my poor body through the pain. I guess that is why I always go for careless boys and then cry when they don't like me back or watch a scary movie and then feel like someone is behind me for the next few days. I can see the torture ahead but will still go through with it because it felt right at the time.

You said you were always fascinated by mind, I don't know if that was ever a good or bad thing. I mean what was so different about me? about how my mind works that you were so intrigued by because I always thought I came up with stupid shit. You found some way to make me feel so important, not in a big headed way but more in a valued sense. I felt like you were actually interested in my views and opinions and to be honest just me as a person. To this day, I'm still trying to figure why you ever spoke to me in the first place rather than why did you ever stop speaking me. Because everyone leaves eventually, they always do. I'm not sad about it though, I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me. People leaving others is part of life, I've accepted that. What I haven't comprehended yet is why certain people come into your life in the first place, if it is only going to cause sadness and agony. You did not make me feel an ounce of happiness while you were here yet I still liked you. I always felt in competition with god knows how many girls, whatever I said to you I felt like you would instantaneously forget it as you had so many other conversations to retain even though I was adamant that I was interesting enough to keep you around. I thought I would be over it by now, I mean you clearly are. Actually, I don't think you ever thought of me like that, even though I like to think that you did at some point, I know you didn't yet you still here. I actually feel sorry for you. People always envy those who appear like they have everything sorted. They always seem to have a good life, have all the girls, all these friends but really they're the loneliest. You instead use everyone you can to fill the void in your so called life. You don't do it in a spiteful way, it is more of a necessity which just breaks everyones heart apart from yours because you don't even have one. You make all these plans and take up all these hobbies to make yourself feel and appear to everyone else like you've got everything sorted although you are simply procrastinating all the time. Your life is a massive cyclone of misery and I'm tired of being sunk into.

Feelings are so strange man, like what even are they?? How the hell can you just see someone or even think about them and instantly be bombarded by certain emotions. They're just awful primarily because they are so temporary as they constantly work in dependence with the other person's feelings towards you. I think the worse thing is when your feelings are beyond your control and you are genuinely trying to move on onto better things but your emotions won't let you. It's almost as if your body is betraying you and suffocating you in your own misery against your will. I don't see the benefit of liking someone especially at this age, it always ends in confusion and heartache.

So I met Chloë Sevigny yesterday like whatever no big deal of course. It still hasn't sunk that I've actually met her and I think that is going to be the case for a very long time. I literally forgot how to speak when I got to her. I don't want to term it as fangirling because that's gay as hell. I was just so mesmerised by her, not just by her appearance but just the energy she let out. She was so gregarious and alluring and I was just stupidly standing there reminding myself to breath. I asked her if she was alright and she replied "I'm chilly". Not as in she was cold because it was hot as hell yesterday but she was just relaxed, good, content, yeah you get the gist. She signed my book and I found it so difficult to spell my name, the difficulty of remembering those six letters in the correct order was legit that hardest thing. I've wanted to act for years but was always persuaded to focus on something more academic and 'concrete' but I think seeing Chloë yesterday has made me certain to act again and just do whatever I'm passionate about simply because she's an amazing actress but more importantly because she seemed like a happy person.

I like to stay busy and constantly make plans because if I get chance to be alone, I will literally just get in the most depressive state ever, start overthinking everything and over scrutinising every aspect of my life.